Wasting time... Bloke Cookery

Bloke cookery

*       is what happens when a bloke is left without either a skilled cook to feed him or access to retail cooked food outlets. It is neither an art nor a science, it is a system to stop the hunger pains and sustain life, requiring the minimum amount of resources, time and effort and preferably without leading to post-meal medical intervention (too often).    www.londonbeerengine.co.uk              

*       The optimum method is to get everything into one pan and heat it up till it’s uniformly hot and/or reasonably safe to eat. More pans = more clearing up time and less free time. Maximum points are scored if that one pan is a frying pan.

*       Presentation DOES NOT COUNT. Visualise what your teeth and stomach acids are about to do to that food… there is NO POINT in making it pretty!

*       Calories DO NOT COUNT. The objective is to remove the hunger pains. If you were dieting, you wouldn’t be cooking anyway.

*       Flavour DOES NOT COUNT. As long as it isn’t actually actively repellent to your taste buds, it’s edible and will sustain life.

*       Beer is an ingredient. It may not always make it as far as the pan, but it’ll come in handy while you’re cooking.

*       Smoke is a perfectly normal by-product of bloke cookery. It means something’s ready. Flames, however, may indicate that something is not going exactly to plan.

*       Adding spices is a good way of livening up dishes. Snorting spices is inadvisable.             www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

*       Ketchup (or brown sauce) covers a multitude of errors. 

*       There is no disgrace in using tinned, packet or instant foods as long as the end product is edible.

*       Sell-by and Best-Before dates are optional, Use-by needs to be taken a bit more seriously. Have a sniff. If it doesn't smell bad, it might still be OK. If it smells bad, binning it is probably the safest thing to do.

*       Meal times are approximately ‘When both I and the food are ready’. Clocks are responsible for licensing hours and therefore have no place in a bloke’s kitchen.

*       The 3-second rule applies for anything dropped on the floor. If more than 3 seconds have elapsed, the 10-second rule applies.  www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

*       If you hit upon something you like and can actually produce, practice it every day until you can do it on autopilot. That’ll save a lot of time looking it up in future.

*       If in doubt, stick it between two pieces of bread or in a roll, bun or, heaven forbid, a baguette. If it threatens to escape the bread, use a sandwich toaster to seal the edges.


If you think we've got something wrong or missed a point out, please get in touch!