Wasting time... 1,001 one-liners

Caution: this list has been responsible for more than a few lost afternoons!

Do not try to read all 1,001 lines in a single sitting unless you are prepared for this..

1.        2+2=5, for moderately large values of two

2.        2+2 now equals 5.15785423. Please recalibrate your equipment accordingly 

3.        (333) Eric the half a Beast

4.        666.....999   The quotation marks of the Beast

5.        666A   The Tenant of the Beast

6.        668--the Neighbour of the Beast  

7.        –0.809016994  the sine of the Beast

8.        99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

9.        A barman is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

10.     A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer

11.     A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

12.     A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good

13.     A day without sunshine is like night.

14.     A fool and his money are soon partying

15.     A holiday is having nothing to do and all day to do it in

16.     A learning experience is one of those things that says, ‘You know that thing you just did? Don’t do that.’

17.     A little bit of pain never hurt anyone.

18.     A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the arse

19.     A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

20.     A wise man wees when he can, a fool goes when he has to.

21.     A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

22.     Abandon all hope, ye who press ENTER here.

23.     Accomplishing the impossible means the boss will add it to your regular duties

24.     Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later

25.     Alcohol is one of mankind’s greatest enemies, but the Bible tells us to love our enemies…

26.     All generalisations are wrong

27.     All I ask of a firearm is that it be reliable, accurate, and capable of dropping a god at 500m

28.     All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy

29.     All my life I wanted to be someone--I guess I should have been more specific

30.     All right, no more Mr. Nice Pope!

31.     All these worlds are yours, except for Mars. Attempt no landing here. --Message received by NASA, August 25, 1993

32.     All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative

33.     Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

34.     Always keep a record of your data--it shows you've been working

35.     Always keep clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark

36.     Always use tasteful words, you may have to eat them later

37.     Always wish for the impossible. The inevitable happens anyway.

38.     Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

39.     The amount of common sense is fixed, but the population keeps going up

40.     Analysing humour is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies of it.

41.     An armed society is a polite society.

42.     And before you get all happy, be informed that your punishment does not include pain or sex

43.     And on the 8th day God said “OK Murphy, take over.”

44.     Another deadline, another miracle

45.     Hofstadter's law - Any computer project will take twice as long as you think it will, even when you take into account Hofstadter's law.

46.     Any idiot can face a crisis--it’s day-to-day living that wears you out.

47.     Any sufficiently low technology is indistinguishable from hard work

48.     Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced

49.     Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers 

50.     Anyone got a spaceship? We're just about done here.

51.     Anyone who thinks ‘The customer is always right’ never worked in Tech Support.

52.     Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored

53.     Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

54.     Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate

55.     Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?

56.     Applying computer technology is simply finding the right spanner to pound in the correct screw.

57.     Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon

58.     Are…… um, …. are farts lumpy?

59.     Artificial Intelligence? I'll be impressed when they invent artificial cunning.

60.     Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

61.     Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.

62.     As an adult, I think that the recommended daily alcohol limit is me drinking as much as I want.

63.     As much use as an ashtray on a motorbike

64.     As much use as tits on a fish

65.     As popular as a fart in a spaceship

66.     As quiet as a foam rubber wind chime

67.     As soon as the rush is over, I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I worked for it. I owe it to myself and no one is going to stop me from having it.

68.     As useful as a chocolate teapot

69.     Ask any infant, they know grownups don't go to sleep

70.     Ask me about my vow of silence

71.     Assassins do it from behind

72.     At Group L, he oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.

73.     Bad taste is timeless 

74.     Barbie doesn't come with Ken, she comes with GI Joe--she fakes it with Ken

75.     Be consistent – but don’t do it all the time

76.     Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

77.     Beam me up, Scotty, it ate my phaser

78.     Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life here

79.     Being a model means wearing clothes and not eating. I'd rather eat and take off my clothes

80.     Being a pain in the arse is a prerogative of the creative mind

81.     Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent

82.     Be nice to the people you meet on the way up, ‘cos you’ll surely meet them again coming down

83.     Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work.

84.     Berserkers do it without thinking

85.     The best defence is a strong offence and I intend to start offending right now

86.     Better Living through Alchemy 

87.     Biological Research Centre. Keep Out. Trespassers will be used.

88.     Bite off one chicken head and they never let you forget

89.     Black holes are where God is dividing by zero 

90.     Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats

91.     Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier

92.     Bomb Squad Member. If you see me running, try very hard to keep up.

93.     Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.

94.     Both sides think my impartiality is the product of great wisdom, but honestly, I just don't care.

95.     Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

96.     The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office.

97.     Bugs don't happen because you do something. Bugs just are.

98.     Built for comfort, not for speed 

99.     But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!  

100.  But this IS the simplified version for the general public!

101.  By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me

102.  By God, for a moment there it all made sense..

103.  By the time rules are needed, it's already too late

104.  C code. C code run. Run, code, run!  

105.  C<;>: Coffee.com not found, reboot user? Y/N?   

106.  C<;>: Reality.sys not found, reboot universe? Y/N?

107.  Caffiend  

108.  Calm down--It's only ones and zeroes

109.  Can you imagine a roast aardvark without an apple in its mouth?  It's like a martini without the egg

110.  Captain! The double-talk generators, they can take nae more!   We'll have to obey the laws of physics!

111.  Carpentry basics: Cut to fit, beat into place.

112.  Cartoon Law 8: Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent 

113.  Caution: Contents under pressure                   www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

114.  Caution--I was not hired for my disposition

115.  The chance of somebody watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

116.  Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

117.  Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

118.  Cheap, Fast, Good--pick two

119.  Children are like farts. Everyone likes their own.

120.  Circular Definition: see Circular Definition 

121.  Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult 

122.  Clinging on to sanity by a thread.........snip!

123.  A closed mouth gathers no feet

124.  Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society

125.  Code as if whoever maintains your code is a violent psychopath who knows where you live 

126.  Coffee is my only REAL friend

127.  Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, chocolate makes it worthwhile

128.  Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam

129.  Cold milk, warm backrubs, hot baths...all-temperature cheer

130.  Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.

131.  A computer is a genie that can grant any wish. The catch is that you must express your wish exactly, in binary.

132.  The computer is happy. The computer is crazy. The computer will try to make you happy. This will drive you crazy.

133.  Computers are like the Old Testament God--lots of rules and no mercy  

134.  Computers eat time--we only THINK they run on electricity 

135.  Confession without repentance is just bragging

136.  Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong

137.  Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem

138.  Conform, go crazy, or become an artist

139.  Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking

140.  Constant change is here to stay

141.  A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library  

142.  Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death

143.  Crankiness....for me it's just as natural as morning 

144.  Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy.

145.  The crimes we are about to depict have been specially committed for this programme.

146.  Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage

147.  Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire

148.  DCLXVI – the Roman numeral of the Beast

149.  Death? Life? I never did understand Zen.

150.  Death is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

151.  Death to all fanatics!

152.  Debate politics with a fern. If you lose, refuse to water it. 

153.  Defeat isn’t bitter if you refuse to swallow it.

154.  Defeat is temporary. Giving up is permanent.

155.  #define sysop GOD #define reality NULL  

156.  Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

157.  Deja Moo: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve heard this bull before

158.  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

159.  Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

160.  Develop your eccentricities while you are young. That way, when you get old, people won’t think you’re going gaga

161.  Die, my dear fellow? That will be the last thing I shall do.

162.  The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits 

163.  Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

164.  Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians 

165.  Distrust any gadget or gizmo that weighs less than its instruction book

166.  DO IT--It's easier to get forgiveness than permission

167.  Do not disturb--I'm disturbed enough already

168.  Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place 

169.  Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly

170.  Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer  

171.  Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup

172.  Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger

173.  Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for it makes them soggy and hard to light

174.  Do you know where your towel is?

175.  Do you want to speak to a manager, or someone who knows what’s going on?

176.  Does it have enhanced infrared vision, a particle beam weapon with target acquisition, highly amplified arm/leg systems, a self-contained atmosphere, and a small nuclear plant? No? Not much of a "power suit", is it?

177.  Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

178.  Does the noise in my head bother you?

179.  Dogs believe they are human, Cats believe they are God

180.  Doing strange things in the name of art 

181.  Don’t Annoy The Crazy Person

182.  Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

183.  Don’t be sexist. Chicks hate that.

184.  Don’t be so humble, you’re not that great.

185.  Don't blame me--I was raised by humans

186.  Don't destroy the world in the first chapter--you'll find you need it later

187.  Don't eat yellow snow

188.  Don't force it - use a bigger hammer

189.  Don’t go to bed mad. Stay awake and plan your revenge.

190.  Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon  

191.  Don't keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

192.  Don’t judge people by their relatives.

193.  Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

194.  Don't look back--the lemmings might be gaining on you

195.  Don't Panic

196.  Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today, because if you like doing it today, you can do it again tomorrow

197.  Don't put off until tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today  

198.  Don't start comparing yourself to me. It'll just make you crazy.

199.  Don't take life seriously--it isn't permanent

200.  Don't tell me not to burn my candle at both ends--just tell me where to get more wax

201.  Don't torture yourself--that's my job

202.  Don’t try!  Do... or do not. There is no try.

203.  Don't try to engage my enthusiasm--I haven't got one

204.  Don't try to out-weird me.  I get weirder things than you free with my breakfast cereal  

205.  Don’t worry about the world ending today, it’s already tomorrow in Australia

206.  Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.

207.  Drink up Socrates, it's all natural  

208.  Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get

209.  Due to the constant fluctuation in customer personalities, we cannot be responsible for the mental stability of any of our staff.

210.  Dullard: someone who can open an encyclopaedia or dictionary and only read what they'd  planned to 

211.  Dyslexic agnostic insomniacs lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog

212.  The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. 

213.  Eagles soar  proud and free, but a weasel will never get sucked into a jet engine

214.  The early bird catches the worm, but look what happens to the early worm.

215.  The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

216.  Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.

217.  Earth shutting down in five minutes--please save all files and log out

218.  Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.

219.  Eat the Rich!  The poor are tough and stringy 

220.  Efficiency is nothing more than intelligent laziness.

221.  Electronic equipment runs on smoke. Let the smoke out and it dies.

222.  Entropy isn't what it used to be.                      www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

223.  Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies

224.  Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake

225.  Every time I find out the meaning of life, they change it

226.  Everybody is someone else’s weirdo

227.  Everyone is a damn fool for at least five minutes a day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit

228.  Everyone's got the right to be ugly, but that's just abusing the privilege

229.  Everything is going to be all right--for varying values of all right

230.  Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time

231.  Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it: if you are sick you should not take it.

232.  Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

233.  Experience varies directly with equipment ruined

234.  Evolution sounds OK, but I'd rather keep my options open

235.  Excuse me while I change into something more formidable

236.  Federal Expresso:  When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night 

237.  Few things are more dangerous than a hobbit with low blood sugar

238.  Finish your beer. There are sober people in Africa.

239.  The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time, and the last 10% takes the other 90%

240.  First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.

241.  Following the rules will not get the job done.

242.  Follow your dream. Unless it’s the one where you’re naked at work during a fire drill.

243.  For every action there is a equal and opposite criticism

244.  For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

245.  Forewarned is half an octopus

246.  Forgive me now – tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty

247.  For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who don’t, none will do.

248.  A friend is someone who will help you move; a good friend is someone who will help you move a body.

249.  Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate

250.  Freedom is just chaos with better lighting

251.  Freedom of speech is wonderful--right up there with the freedom not to listen

252.  Fun, Legal, Profitable--pick two

253.  Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

254.  Gerbil-jamming is safe--if you don't share gerbils

255.  Get your mind out of the gutter. Grab mine while you’re there please

256.  Give a man a beer, he’ll waste an hour. Teach him to brew and he’ll waste a lifetime.

257.  Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

258.  Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer

259.  Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, feed him for life. Talk about fish to a starving man, you’re a consultant.

260.  Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks

261.  Give blood, play rugby

262.  Give me coffee and no one gets hurt

263.  Giving up Catholicism for Lent

264.  Global Village Idiot

265.  Go on and try it. The worst you can do is make a fool of yourself in front of all your friends

266.  God didn't create the world in seven days--He goofed off for six, then pulled an all-nighter 

267.  God is alive and well and working on a less ambitious project

268.  God is dead--you are all absolutely free

269.  The Goddess does not seek worship--she rejoices in being vividly imagined

270.  Gone to the psychiatrist – your dinner is in the washing machine

271.  The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"  -  The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"    -  The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"  - The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

272.  Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks

273.  Gravity isn't MY fault--I voted for Velcro!

274.  Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

275.  Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would have been informed

276.  Hail to the Sun God! He is the Fun God! Ra! Ra! Ra! 

277.  Happiness is planet Earth in your rear view mirror 

278.  Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

279.  He who angers you, conquers you

280.  He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead

281.  Hear all, see all, say nowt.                               www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

282.  Hedonist for Hire--No job too easy 

283.  Hello. My $NAME is ~inigo-montoya. You killed my process. Prepare to vi.--The Unix's  Bride  

284.  Help beautify our rubbish dumps. Throw away something pretty

285.  Help me to give 100% at work  (12% Mondays, 23% Tuesdays, 40% Wednesdays, 20% Thursdays and 5% Fridays)

286.  Help me to remember that the toes I tread on today may be connected to the arse I have to kiss tomorrow

287.  Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

288.  Hi! I can't remember your name either

289.  Hi! I'll be your asshole for the evening.

290.  High tech means breaks down next week, cutting edge means breaks down this afternoon

291.  Hit any key to continue, or any other key to quit

292.  Home is where you can scratch where it really itches

293.  Honesty is always the best policy... as long as you're not dealing with women

294.  Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence

295.  Honk if you like obscene gestures

296.  How can you know something’s idiot proof unless you have an idiot to try it out on?

297.  How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

298.  How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Two.  One to grease the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

299.  How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but don't ask me how they get into the bulb....

300.  How to tell when a politician is lying? Their lips move.

301.  Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

302.  Humans only use 10% of their brain capacity.  The rest is taken up by the operating system.

303.  I am a genius and should be exempt from sh*t

304.  I am a Quaker. In case of emergency, please be quiet.

305.  I am heavily armed, easily bored, and off my medication

306.  I am not a minority. I am an outnumbered majority.

307.  I am ready to meet my Maker--whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter

308.  I am sick and depraved--please feed me drugs and cookies

309.  I am under the influence of sugar, caffeine, and lack of sleep, and cannot be held responsible for my behaviour 

310.  I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

311.  I can’t be overdrawn, I still have some cheques left.

312.  I climbed the ladder of success, then found it was leaning on the wrong wall.

313.  I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything.

314.  I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

315.  I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.

316.  I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame it on you.

317.  I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on water while I'm fishing!

318.  I don't especially hate vampires--I just hate anything above ME on the food chain

319.  I don’t have a solution, but I admire the problem.

320.  I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

321.  I don't have an overactive imagination--I live in an underactive universe

322.  I don't have burnout, but I am slightly singed

323.  I don't have to take this abuse from you--I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me

324.  I don’t know everything, but compared to you I can see how it would look that way

325.  I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese

326.  I don’t remember putting mushrooms in the fridge. – They’re not mushrooms, that’s the cheese.

327.  I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

328.  I don’t suffer from stress – I’m a carrier

329.  I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.

330.  I don’t want to believe, I want to know.

331.  I don't want to live forever--I just want to outlive my enemies

332.  I don't want to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I could read with pleasure

333.  I drink, therefore I am

334.  I doubt, therefore I might be

335.  I fight for what I believe in. I'm a mercenary, and what I believe in is money.

336.  I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to sit still in two spots

337.  I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and am therefore excused from saving universes

338.  I have a mind like a steel sieve 

339.  I have a mind like a steel trap; whatever goes in gets crushed and mangled

340.  I have a mind like the River Thames - fast-flowing and full of effluent

341.  I have a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel

342.  I have a talent for idleness which is tragically wasted by my working here

343.  I have nothing to worry about, and it's all in the bank

344.  I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work

345.  I have not lost my mind--I know exactly where it went

346.  I like the idea of an ancient race--it makes a world feel so...lived in

347.  I like work, it fascinates me. I could sit and look at it all day.

348.  I like your approach. Now let’s see your departure.

349.  I love animals – especially in a nice sauce

350.  I love deadlines, especially the swooshing sound as they go flying by

351.  I may rise, but I refuse to shine

352.  I need my sinuses like I need a hole in the head

353.  I stared into the abyss. The abyss stared into me. Neither of us liked what we saw.

354.  I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

355.  I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

356.  I try not to listen to the Voices, but they do have some good ideas.

357.  I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal 

358.  I try to see good in everything--it makes me horrible to live with

359.  I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance

360.  I want to live forever. So far, so good.

361.  I wasn't there whenever it was, whatever it was went on

362.  I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me 

363.  I’d do what the voices in my head say, but I don’t speak their language

364.  I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

365.  I'd like to have breakfast with you...should I call you or nudge you?

366.  I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it

367.  I’d rather be sat on than shat on

368.  I’d sooner be pissed off than pissed on

369.  If a man speaks in a forest and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

370.  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

371.  If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

372.  If his IQ was any lower he’d be eligible to be an organ donor

373.  If his IQ was any lower, we’d have to water him

374.  If homosexuality is a disease can I call in to work ‘gay’?

375.  If I can’t fix it, I can fix it so it can’t be fixed

376.  If I travel to the end of the rainbow, as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pot's at the other end.

377.  If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails 

378.  If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you

379.  If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself

380.  If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!

381.  If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

382.  If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight

383.  If it’s got your number on, it’s going to get you. The knack is not to pick too many numbers

384.  If it's not on fire, it's a software problem 

385.  If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid

386.  If it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting dirty for

387.  If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 that it will

388.  If there is anything in the universe bigger than my ego, I want it taken out and shot now!

389.  If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

390.  If we weren’t meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

391.  If you always do what you’ve always done then you’ll always get what you’ve always got

392.  If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are really good, you will get out of it.

393.  If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

394.  If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.

395.  If you can't beat your computer at chess, try it at kick-boxing

396.  If you can’t convince them, confuse them                       www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

397.  If you can't ignore an insult, top it; if you can't top it, laugh it off; and if you can't laugh it off, it's probably deserved.

398.  If you can’t repair the brakes, make the horn louder

399.  If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours

400.  If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day 

401.  If you keep an open mind, people will fill it with rubbish for you

402.  If you lend someone 20 quid and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

403.  If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.

404.  If you play blues music backwards your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

405.  If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments

406.  If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room

407.  If you think I need to be saved from myself, I probably need to be saved from you 

408.  If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

409.  If you want my organs you'll have to prise them from my cold, dead... oh...

410.  Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is permanent

411.  I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure!

412.  I'm a very dangerous fellow when I don't know what I'm doing

413.  I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing

414.  I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals--I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants

415.  I'm not panicking.  I'm watching you panic.  It's much more entertaining.

416.  I’m not short and heavy, I’m travelling near the speed of light

417.  I'm not tense, just terribly alert                                       

418.  I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

419.  I'm so bored I may have to resort to doing some work

420.  I’m so cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month.

421.  I’m so hip I have trouble seeing over my pelvis

422.  I'm sorry, but a unicorn doesn't work like a mule

423.  I'm sorry, my karma ran over your dogma

424.  I'm the leader. Which way did they go?

425.  The impossible we do immediately. Miracles require 24 hours notice

426.  In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

427.  In democracy man exploits man. In communism it's the other way around

428.  In the beginning was nothing, and God said "Let there be light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it.

429.  Incorrigible Punster--do not incorrige 

430.  Indecision is the key to flexibility.

431.  Indulgences are Papal, too

432.  Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids

433.  Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

434.  Inside some of us is a thin person trying to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

435.  Insomnia is where you lay awake all night, for an hour

436.  Instead of building bigger and better weapons of destruction, maybe we should get more use out of the ones we have.

437.  Intelligence is like underwear, everyone should have it, but we shouldn’t show it off.

438.  In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.

439.  Is it time for your medication or mine?

440.  Is there something in this water? No? Then please take it away and put something in it.

441.  Isn't it a beautiful day today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing. Just watch some bastard spoil it.

442.  Isn't it interesting how your annoying habits are so much more annoying than mine are?

443.  ISO9002 doesn’t prevent disasters, but when they do happen it makes sure they are beautifully documented

444.  I support the Marcel Marceau Foundation, because a mime is a terrible thing to waste.

445.  I suspect that your being here is depriving a village of its idiot

446.  It is always blackest just before you step on the cat

447.  It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

448.  It seems to me that you have confused a safe drinking limit with what I like to call ‘lunch’.

449.  It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses.

450.  It's a condescending thing, dear--you wouldn't understand

451.  It’s a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem

452.  It's amazing how long it takes to finish something you're not working on

453.  It’s bad luck to die on an empty stomach

454.  It's been lovely, but I have to scream now

455.  It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

456.  It's fairly easy to write a program that conforms to spec. It's almost impossible to write a spec that conforms to what you want.

457.  It's good to follow the path of personal happiness to some extent. However people tend to get upset when you drive a steamroller down it.

458.  It's hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.

459.  It's hard to seize the day when first you've got to grapple with the morning

460.  It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys

461.  It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution

462.  It's like Nietzsche said--being human is a complicated gig, so give that dark night of  the soul a hug and howl the eternal yes

463.  It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better

464.  It's never too late to have a happy childhood

465.  It's not a bug, it's not a feature, it's an ENHANCEMENT

466.  It's not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you

467.  It's not procrastination--it's the incredible Just-in-Time Workload Management System!

468.  It's not sugar--it's low-fibre cereal                   www.londonbeerengine.co.uk               

469.  It's not that you and I are so good, it's that the others are so bad

470.  It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the bottom.

471.  It's OK to do the right thing, as long as you don't get caught

472.  It's OK to laugh during sex--just don't point

473.  It’s only premarital sex if you’re going to get married

474.  It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

475.  It's tough being an alarm clock--you work weird hours and people hate you

476.  It’s your life, I’m just passing through

477.  It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a Viking to raze a village

478.  I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand

479.  I’ve failed English? But that’s un-possible!

480.  I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.

481.  I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

482.  I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

483.  Join SEA--the Society for the Elimination of Acronyms 

484.  Just because I have a short attention span doesn’t mean

485.  Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you

486.  Just think--how would Bugs Bunny have handled this?

487.  Just think of this as a live role-playing game

488.  Just when you think you’re winning the rat race they go and bring out faster rats

489.  Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

490.  Keeping freedom safe from democracy

491.  Kill them all. Let God sort them out

492.  Killing never solves anything, but it keeps people out of your hair while you think of what to do next

493.  Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either

494.  The lab called--your brain is ready

495.  Laws expand in proportion to the resources available for their enforcement

496.  Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:  No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats,  approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less

497.  Lead me not into temptation--I can find it for myself

498.  Learn to cut your fingernails with your left hand, in case you should ever lose your right

499.  Learn to put the toilet seat down--it makes you look like a warm, sensitive, caring human being

500.  The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results

501.  Let me control a planet's oxygen supply and I don't care who makes the laws

502.  Let's get some chaos into this confusion

503.  Let's split up--we can do more damage that way 

504.  Life--an invariably fatal condition spread by sexual contact

505.  Life...don't talk to me about life

506.  Life imitates art, but does it have to imitate satire?

507.  Life is a holiday in the same way that glass is a liquid

508.  Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

509.  Life is easier to take than you’d think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable and bear the intolerable.

510.  Life is like a bed of roses, but watch out for the pricks

511.  Life is like a cucumber. One minute it's in your hand, the next it's up your bum

512.  Life is like an analogy

513.  Life is like an enema. You get out what you put in, plus a lot of sh*t.

514.  Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you choose today may bite you in the bum tomorrow.

515.  Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet rim. Sooner or later you're going to get pissed off

516.  Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

517.  Life is natures way of keeping meat fresh

518.  Life is too short, but if you do it fast enough, you can live it one and a half times

519.  Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code

520.  LIFE.DOC not included--booting WINGIT.SYS

521.  Life's a bitch, but the puppies are cute

522.  The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep

523.  The little engine that philosophised I think I am! I think I am!

524.  Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse

525.  Live Lent in the fast lane

526.  Live long and prosper. It's logical.

527.  Living saint--please tempt 

528.  Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

529.  Love is never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver"

530.  Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

531.  Make love, not war--but be prepared for both

532.  Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler

533.  Manual?  We've just been pushing buttons until it works

534.  Man cannot even build a worm, but creates Gods by the dozen

535.  Man has but two urges, to get and beget

536.  Man is never truly lost, just temporarily unaware of his exact location

537.  The map is not the territory, but you can't fold up the territory and put it in your glove box

538.  Marching to a different kettle of fish 

539.  Masochist: "Hit me"   Sadist: "No."

540.  May the great galactic kitten always purr you to sleep

541.  May your shadow never grow short and your bank balance never grow red

542.  Maybe I'll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I'll feel better

543.  Maybe the meek will inherit the earth, but if they do, they'll be inheriting it from me

544.  Me not responsible. Me just pawn in game of life

545.  Me just a prawn in the rich paella of life.

546.  The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars

547.  Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

548.  Men don’t care what’s on TV. They care about what else is on TV

549.  Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence

550.  Mercy is a great virtue, but that doesn't mean you should pay full price for a late pizza

551.  Message to all troops – Communications have completely broken down

552.  The mind is the final battlefield. The stuff in between is just noise.

553.  Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

554.  Monday is a awful way to spend 1/7th of your life

555.  Money can't buy happiness, but it does quiet the nerves

556.  Money is its own reward 

557.  Morning begins when you get out of bed, and ends once you wake up

558.  A morning without coffee is like something without something else

559.  Mornings have no mercy   [picture of sun coming in the window with a gun]

560.  The most dangerous thing in a combat zone is an officer with a map

561.  Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.

562.  Murphy was an optimist                                                 www.londonbeerengine.co.uk                               

563.  Murphy's Law is recursive--washing your car to make it rain doesn't work either

564.  Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it 

565.  Muscles come and muscles go, but flab goes on forever

566.  My brain is the most important thing about me, but look what told me that

567.  My drinking team has a soccer problem

568.  My life is based on a true story

569.  My life is not organised around high probability events

570.  My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring 

571.  My life's really not so awful--it just seems that way when I'm awake

572.  My mind is made up--don't confuse me with facts

573.  My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

574.  My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it’s gone.

575.  My superiority complex is better than your superiority complex

576.  My whole life is a movie--it's just that there are no dissolves.  I have to live every agonising moment of it--my life needs editing.

577.  National Psychic Society   You KNOW where the meetings are 

578.  A neat desk is the sign of a sick mind

579.  Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.

580.  Negative expectations yield negative results.  Positive expectations yield negative results.

581.  Network management is like nailing jelly to the ceiling

582.  Never accept a drink from a urologist

583.  Never argue with a Scorpio--even if you win, you lose

584.  Never argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference

585.  Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

586.  Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by ineptitude 

587.  Never buy a portable appliance in the street from a man who’s out of breath

588.  Never criticise a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then if he didn't like what you said, he's a mile away and barefoot.

589.  Never deploy new software on a Friday if you value your weekend.

590.  Never do anything you wouldn’t mind explaining to a paramedic.

591.  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with

592.  Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you

593.  Never, EVER, throw a fireball in a closed room

594.  Never explain. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies wouldn’t believe it.

595.  Never fall in love with a tennis player... love means nothing to them.

596.  Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder

597.  Never interrupt when you’re being flattered

598.  Never learn to type. If you do, someone will ask you to do it.

599.  Never let any mechanical device know you're in a hurry

600.  Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful 

601.  Never miss a good chance to shut up

602.  Never offend with style when you can offend with substance

603.  Never Regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience.

604.  Never retreat. Never explain. Get it done and let them howl.

605.  Never share your foxhole with someone braver than you are

606.  Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep

607.  Never take an idiot anywhere with you. You’ll always find one when you get there.

608.  Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity

609.  Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle

610.  Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on

611.  Never try to teach a pig to sing. It only wastes your time and annoys the pig.

612.  Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

613.  Never volunteer--they'll send you to Earth 

614.  Never wear a hat that has more character than you do

615.  Nine hundred years ago, I couldn't spell transcendent parahuman deity, and now I are one 

616.  Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce,           Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source. One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them,   One disk to hold the files, And in the darkness grind them

617.  No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy 

618.  Nobody goes there any more.  It's too crowded.

619.  Nobody notices what I do, until I don’t do it.

620.  No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes

621.  No job too big, no job too small, no job too stupid

622.  No major project is completed on time, within budget, or by the same staff who started it. Yours will not be the first.

623.  No matter how hard you shake it, the last drop always goes down your trouser leg

624.  No matter  where you go, there you are

625.  NO! NO! Don't touch the plot contrivance switch! 

626.  No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

627.  No one is a failure who is enjoying life 

628.  Nobody can be exactly like me--even I have trouble doing it 

629.  Normal people worry me                                                www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

630.  Nostalgia ain't what it used to be

631.  "Not a morning person" doesn't even begin to cover it 

632.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious

633.  Not only are people weirder than you think, people are weirder than you can think 

634.  Nothing can stop me--not even common sense 

635.  Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm

636.  Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come

637.  Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious 

638.  Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason 

639.  Nothing is more dangerous than an idea...if it's the only one you've got

640.  Not so much an afterlife, more a sort of après-vie

641.  Not tonight dear, I have a modem

642.  Now if the blue wire is Neutral, and green/yellow is Earth, then brown must be ……Eeeeeeyow!

643.  Now is NOT a good time to annoy me

644.  Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath.

645.  Nuke 'em till they glow, then shoot 'em in the dark  

646.  Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder  

647.  The obscure we see immediately, the completely apparent takes longer 

648.  Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most 

649.  Of course I can keep secrets--it's the people I tell them to who can't keep them 

650.  Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are.

651.  Of course my job looks easy--I'm doing it

652.  Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon--after a while you'd run out of air to push against  

653.  Oh, no, not another learning experience!

654.  Old age and treachery can always overcome youth and skill

655.  On the great keyboard of life always keep one finger on the ‘escape’ key

656.  Once is accident, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action

657.  Once upon a time...is now 

658.  Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.

659.  Once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made

660.  One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria 

661.  One of the main causes of the decline of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had  no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs 

662.  One picture had better be worth a thousand words--it takes up more disk space

663.  One planet is all you get.

664.  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

665.  Only a fool expects rational behaviour from their fellow human beings. Why do they expect it from a machine that human beings have constructed?

666.  Only borrow from pessimists--they don't expect to be paid back 

667.  The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire

668.  Open up!  Mental Health Police

669.  Optimists believe this is the best of all possible worlds. Pessimists know it is

670.  Organisation: n. Arrangement in an orderly or logical fashion.  See 'miracle'.

671.  Originality is often undetected imitation

672.  Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions.

673.  Outnumbered, yes. Outmanoeuvred, maybe. Outclassed, never!

674.  Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read

675.  Pain is a part of life but misery is optional

676.  Pain is temporary, glory is forever

677.  Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organised

678.  Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life

679.  Paul's law:  You can't fall off the floor.

680.  People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs 

681.  People who don’t drink wake up in the morning and know that’s the best they’re going to feel all day

682.  People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick  themselves up and carry on

683.  Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness

684.  Pick your enemies carefully--they're harder to get rid of than friends

685.  A pile for everything and everything in its pile

686.  Please do not adjust your mind--reality is malfunctioning

687.  Please do not ask for 'favours' as a frenzied physical assault often offends

688.  Please do not leave cigarette ends in the urinals as it makes them soggy and difficult to re-light.

689.  Please do not look into laser with remaining eyeball 

690.  Please solve your problems in advance so that we can help you better

691.  PMT?  No, I'm always like this.  Why do you ask? 

692.  Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

693.  The police aren't there to create disorder, they're there to preserve disorder

694.  Politics: formed from the Greek "poly", meaning many and "ticks", meaning small blood-sucking insects

695.  Politicians are like rats--what they take for themselves is trivial compared to what they destroy to get it

696.  Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained 

697.  Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth  

698.  Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

699.  Power corrupts--isn't that what it's for?

700.  Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty 

701.  Pratchett's guide to mushrooms: "1. All fungi are edible. 2. Some fungi are not edible more than once."

702.  Pray as if everything depended on God, and work as if everything depended upon man

703.  Preserve wildlife, pickle a squirrel

704.  Pretentious? Moi?

705.  The problem with trouble-shooting is that trouble shoots back 

706.  Procrastinators: Leaders of tomorrow.

707.  Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

708.  Programming is a race between programmers trying to create bigger and better idiot-proof  programs and the universe trying to create bigger and better idiots

709.  Progress at best consists of replacing errors with more subtle errors 

710.  Projecting empaths--You've got to feel sorry for them

711.  Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel

712.  Quantum Leap--Fun to watch, difficult to explain

713.  Quantum Mechanics-- don't they repair quantums?

714.  Quantum Mechanics--the dreams stuff is made of 

715.  The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet

716.  A real friend isn't someone you use and throw away.  A real friend is someone you use again and again.

717.  Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

718.  Reality corrupts. Absolute reality corrupts absolutely. 

719.  Reality is a crutch for people who don't take drugs.

720.  Reality is a figment of your hallucination

721.  Reality is not always probable, or even likely

722.  Reality is OK...Just don't make a habit of it

723.  Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it

724.  Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you.

725.  Religion is like death. It’s OK to laugh at it as long as it’s not yours.

726.  Remember that you are a completely unique and distinct individual. Just like everyone else.

727.  Resistance is useless (if less than 1W)

728.  RTFM                                                                             www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

729.  A running program is the moment of truth. All else is prophecy or nostalgia.

730.  rw-rw-rw-: The file protection of the Beast                                                    

731.  Save the universe--collect all four

732.  Say no, then negotiate.

733.  A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago 

734.  Set laser printer to stun

735.  Sex and Drugs and Rock and role-playing

736.  Sh*t happens

737.  The shorter the life of the particle, the more it costs to produce

738.  Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

739.  Sick, sick, sick--the humour of the Beast 

740.  Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine

741.  Sleep deprivation is fun--you see such pretty colours

742.  Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless

743.  Sleep is great, but it's no substitute for caffeine

744.  Smart is believing half of what you hear. Genius is knowing which half.

745.  Smash violence

746.  Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.

747.  Smile, and the world smiles with you. Snarl, and you get better service.

748.  Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast

749.  So many cats. So few recipes.

750.  The software is full of magical features patiently waiting for our staff training to improve 

751.  Some folks just aren't cut out to be normal... 

752.  Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

753.  Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once

754.  Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

755.  Some people bring happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go

756.  Some people have a way with words, and some people....um,....thingy

757.  Some people have been hit with the ugly stick, she's been severely beaten with the entire tree

758.  Some things are still sacred--I haven't taken them apart yet

759.  Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" and a voice says,  "This is going to take more than one night."

760.  Sometimes my NOW is later than it should be

761.  Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem

762.  Sometimes you're the windscreen, sometimes you're the bug 

763.  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

764.  Stealing from one person is plagiarism, stealing from 20 is research

765.  Stifle is practically the only word which is an anagram of itself 

766.  Stress is where you wake up screaming, then realise you weren’t asleep to start with

767.  Stupidity got us into this mess--why can't it get us out?

768.  Success didn't spoil me--I've always been insufferable

769.  Success is achieving the top of the food chain 

770.  Success is more a function of consistent common sense than it is of genius

771.  Suffering makes you deep. Travel makes you broad. I'd rather travel. 

772.  Sunrise is nature's way of telling you it's bedtime

773.  Support bacteria – they’re the only culture Australians have

774.  Support your local coroner--die strangely

775.  Support your local Search-and-Rescue squadron - get lost!

776.  Sure, when … - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP – Well, I’ll be ******

777.  SysAdmins can't be sued for malpractice, but surgeons don't have to deal with patients who install new versions of their own innards

778.  Talk slowly but think quickly

779.  Taste is the enemy of creativity                                                       www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

780.  Taxation WITH representation isn't so great either

781.  Television may insult your intelligence but nothing rubs it in like a computer

782.  Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it

783.  Thank you for trying to sell me something I don't want, but I don't have any surplus hostility to vent.  Could you please come back at a worse time?

784.  That water’s so polluted, even the atheists can walk on it

785.  That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast

786.  That which does not kill me makes me smarter, except for oxygen deprivation 

787.  That's ok--I don't remember my name either

788.  Theatre is life. Cinema is art. Television is furniture.

789.  The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

790.The harder I work, the luckier I get

791.  The more nonsense you put up with, the more nonsense you are going to get.

792.  The more you complain, the longer God makes you live

793.  The number of years I’ve lived bears no relation to my age

794.  The only reason to lock that car is to stop someone getting in it and having a poo

795.  The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

796.  The purpose of a plan is to disguise the fact that you have no idea what you should be doing.

797.  The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

798.  The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

799.  The system has been overhauled, and all its major weaknesses have been exposed, analysed, and replaced with new weaknesses

800.  The Theorem Theorem: If if, then then, else else

801.  The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

802.  The two most powerful forces in the universe are compound interest and gossip.

803.  Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper

804.  There ain't no such thing as a free weekend

805.  There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.  Chief among them is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

806.  There are no accidents--only plans other people don't tell you about 

807.  There are three types of people--those who can count, and those who can't  

808.  There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

809.  There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.

810.  There are very few problems which can't be solved by a suitable application of high explosives 

811.  There is a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.

812.  There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line.

813.  There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

814.  There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation

815.  There is always one more imbecile than you counted on

816.  There is another meaning to the word paranoia, but they won’t tell me it.

817.  There is no lifeguard in the gene pool

818.  There is no problem so big or so complicated that it can't be run away from

819.  There is no situation, no matter how miserable, that the police cannot make worse 

820.  There is no substitute for good manners--except fast reflexes

821.  There is no substitute for incomprehensible good luck

822.  There's always free cheese in a mousetrap

823.  There's always the temptation to let other people think you're normal  

824.  There's always too much month left at the end of the money

825.  There's an exception to every rule.  Sometimes.

826.  There's no need to do housework--after four years the dirt doesn't get any worse 

827.  These are my new shoes.  They're good shoes.  They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me.  They'll only make you have shoes like me.  That's it.

828.  These are the good old days

829.  They call television a medium. That’s because it is neither rare nor well done.

830.  They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.

831.  Things only appear to get lost--they're waiting for you in next week

832.  Think like a man of action; act like a man of thought.

833.  Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you think

834.  This is a good broom, I've had it 20 years and it's only needed three new heads and two new handles

835.  This is a nightmare and I'm going to wake up, RIGHT?

836.  This is a test. Had it been an actual attack, the warning system wouldn't have worked. 

837.  This is no ordinary fool you're dealing with.

838.  This isn't hell.  This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.

839.  This life is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. You may or may not be issued an actual life later. 

840.  This mind intentionally left blank

841.  This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.

842.  This person is a natural product. The slight variations in colour and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.

843.  This universe is sold by mass, not by volume. Some expansion may have occurred during shipment.

844.  This universe is sold by weight, not by volume. Some settling may have occurred during shipment.

845.  Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music

846.  Those who like sausage or political policy shouldn't watch either being made

847.  Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t

848.  Three of the most dangerous things are a programmer with a soldering iron, a manager who codes, and a user who gets ideas

849.  Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana

850.  Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

851.  Time is just an illusion perpetuated by the manufacturers of space

852.  Time is supposed to keep everything from happening at once...it's not working

853.  To continue, strike keyboard with forehead....

854.  Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

855.  Today’s subliminal thought is:

856.  To eat is human. To digest, divine,

857.  To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics

858.  To err is human. To forgive is not company policy. 

859.  To err is human To really foul things up requires the root password

860.  To make a small fortune on the Stock Exchange, start with a large fortune

861.  To stir is human. To stay in bed, divine.

862.  Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every three months

863.  Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

864.  Trust, but verify.

865.  Trust in God, but lock your car 

866.  Trust in the Lord, but row away from the rocks

867.  Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense

868.  Try not to have a good time, this is supposed to be educational 

869.  Try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

870.  Try to listen to the music. Try not to listen to the voices.

871.  Try to say ‘Ah, interesting!’ when you mean ‘Ooops!’

872.  Two essentials for life are WD40 and duct tape. If it moves and shouldn’t, use duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use WD40.

873.  Two wrongs are only the beginning 

874.  Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

875.  The ultimate smart weapon would be too smart to blow itself up 

876.  UNIX wasn't designed to keep you from doing stupid things because that would also keep you from doing clever things

877.  Until somebody debugs reality, the best I can do is a quick patch here and there

878.  Until you walk a mile in someone else's moccasins, you can't imagine the smell

879.  User Error: Replace user and press any key to continue. 

880.  The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output  

881.  Variables don't, constants aren't

882.  Veni, vidi, velcro. I came. I saw, I stuck around.

883.  vi vi vi    The editor of the Beast                                     www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

884.  Vibrators will never replace men, because vibrators can't carry the groceries

885.  The views expressed here do not necessarily represent those of the management

886.  Waking up with a hangover: At first you feel like you're going to die, then you worry that you won’t.

887.  Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

888.  Warning: One human being. Contents under pressure. Use only as directed. 

889.  Warning: This product may contain inappropriate apostrophe's

890.  Warning: Whimsical when bored 

891.  Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice 

892.  The warranty explicitly states that under NO circumstances shall a rocket be returned to the manufacturer under its own power

893.  A watched clock never boils

894.  We aim to please, but we shoot to kill 

895.  We are all of us in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

896.  We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse

897.  We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities

898.  We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing

899.  We have only two things to worry about--either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have

900.  We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees

901.  We live in a society where the pizza gets to your house before the police

902.  We must be devious, cunning, inventive...too bad we're us

903.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

904.  We tend to meet any new situation by reorganising...and a wonderful method it is for creating the illusion of progress, while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralisation

905.  We the living are merely the dead on holiday

906.  We, the unwilling led by the unknowing are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long that we are now capable of doing practically anything with virtually nothing. 

907.  We will get things back to normal just as soon as we’ve worked out what ‘normal’ actually is

908.  Weird enough for all practical purposes 

909.  Weirdness is the best defence 

910.  Welcome back to square one

911.  Welcome to hell. I'm your caseworker.

912.  We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

913.  Welshmen are living proof that the Romans molested sheep

914.  We’re always in the sh*t, it’s only the depth that varies

915.  We’re too busy with the urgent to get on with the important

916.  What am I doing out of bed?

917.  What if the purpose of intelligent life is to get all that carbon back into the ecosystem? 

918.  Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed 

919.  What's the point of being fascinatingly crazy, if you don't enrich the world with it?

920.  What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

921.  “What the hell” always seems to be the right decision

922.  When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero

923.  When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't work, read the manual.

924.  When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

925.  When encountering a goldmine one must prepare oneself for the shaft

926.  When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane

927.  When faced with the choice between two evils, I always like to try the one I haven't gone with before

928.  When ideas fail, words become very handy

929.  When I die, I'd like to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the passengers in his car...

930.  When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout

931.  When the bird and the bird book disagree, believe the bird

932.  When the unexpected is also undesirable it becomes inevitable

933.  When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

934.  When we do right, no one remembers. When we do wrong, no one forgets

935.  When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn't know you meant sloth.

936.  When you do a good deed get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Tax Office

937.  When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

938.  When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly 

939.  When you fall off a horse don’t get back on because the horse probably doesn’t like you

940.  When you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend

941.  When you put your shoes and socks on, don't do it in that order

942.  When your purpose in life is to entertain the gods, there's nothing to do but to put on a good  show 

943.  When you're up to your arse in tribbles, it's hard to remember that the objective was to poison the grain 

944.  When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy

945.  Whenever you're holding all the cards, why does everyone else turn out to be playing chess?

946.  Where am I going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?

947.  Where the needs of the world and your talents cross, there lies your vocation.

948.  Where there's a will, there's a relative

949.  Who is this Barnaby Wilde fellow anyway?

950.  Who the hell let the morning people run things? 

951.  Whoever said that money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop

952.  Why are Earth people so parochial?

953.  Why do people spend years writing a novel when they can buy one for a few pounds?

954.  Why get real when artificial is so much easier to keep clean?

955.  Why survive when you can live?

956.  Will of iron, whim of steel                              www.londonbeerengine.co.uk

957.  Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum  

958.  With enough hard work and determination, you'll be amazed at how deep a hole you can dig yourself into.

959.  Without the last minute, how much would ever get done?  

960.  Woman is, man does

961.  Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

962.  Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

963.  Work harder. Millions on benefits depend on you.

964.  Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do it.

965.  Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody is looking.

966.  Work is the curse of the drinking classes

967.  The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having a really good time.

968.  Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now?  

969.  Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your  forehead

970.  Writing is like prostitution--first you do it for love, then for a few friends, and finally for money 

971.  Yes, but what if this weren't a rhetorical question? 

972.  Yield to temptation--it may not pass your way again 

973.  You always find things in the first place you look, but not the first time you look there

974.  You are dangerous when cornered – you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel

975.  You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.

976.  You can choose your friends. You’re stuck with your family

977.  You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time - that should be enough for most purposes

978.  You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof 

979.  You can only be truly accomplished at something you love. Don't make money the goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you. All the other tangible rewards will come as a result.

980.  You can stop being useless now--the crisis has passed 

981.  You can tell a real programmer by the keyboard dents in their forehead  

982.  You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions

983.  You can't achieve the impossible unless you attempt the absurd 

984.  You can't be a figment of my imagination--I'd have done a better job 

985.  You can’t fool me, I’m too stupid

986.  You could be replaced by an infinite number of monkeys

987.  You don't have to be crazy to work here. We'll train you. 

988.  You know you're drunk when you throw yourself on the ground - and miss

989.  You only live once, but if you do it right that should be enough.

990.  You were TOLD not to feed me after midnight 

991.  Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency

992.  Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.

993.  Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons

994.  You're a much nicer person than I am, so I'm sure you'll forgive the vicious things I've been  saying about you 

995.  You're never alone with schizophrenia

996.  You’re not as good as they say you are when they say you’re good, but you’re also not as bad as they say you are when they say you're bad

997.  You’re not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible

998.  You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people.

999.  You've got to know the rules before you break them--otherwise it's no fun 

1000.           You've got to know when to code'em, know when to modem, know when to load'em up, know when to run.  Don't count your money when you're sitting at the keyboard-- there'll be time enough for counting when the program's done

1001.           Z.I.S.es:  Zero Information Statements



This is a constantly evolving list. Suggestions welcome!